Let’s talk new motherhood pandemic style.
From the day we brought our baby home I felt like I was slowly cocooning myself into the tender but strong webs of Motherhood. Stepping outside our home felt like such an unknown journey and whenever I had made it to the town centre and back I felt like I deserved some sort of victory medal.
The slight feeling of anxiety felt less overpowering with every quick visit to our local corner shop or short walk round the block. I was finally getting the hang of it and was already looking forward to all the coffee afternoons in the park, knitting adventures with dear friends and the boundless travelling to my hometown with my babe, what an exciting start to a new life this would be.
Then, like a thief in the night, came: COVID-19 -the world changed and all the mundane everyday things we had known suddenly became the very things we longed for.
How about that plan B?
Adjusting to life with a baby whilst having the madness commence outside, wasn’t anything you could have possibly prepared for. What would the beginning of Ada’s life look like now?
I suddenly felt a very strong sense of responsibility almost like a calling which told me to emphasize the wonders of the everyday.
But what kind of Mama am I if I cannot give my child my full attention at all times and make the seemingly mundane exciting for her?
It hit me especially whenever she caught me glancing at my phone- looking for inspiration, talking to other humans, when I sat silently beside her because I had run out of words and started singing songs about revolutions because I hadn’t taken my time to visit all the available online classes which would surely teach me a new and appropriate repertoire.
My vision of the first year of motherhood did not resemble my reality and I kept thinking: How will our new reality affect my baby’s relationship with her world?
Am I enough?
A few days later, I had a weird dream and jokingly asked what it might mean. That’s when a wonderful human who I only knew from afar asked me this question in response:
“Is there any part of you that you have been neglecting?” Nobody had asked me that question quite so frankly and I realised that I had slowly started to match the wild creatures of my imaginary dream forest (the tired version) in high waist underpants in the endeavour of reaching my ideal image of motherhood.
That’s when I suddenly (OK maybe not sooo suddenly, it was after a 1 hour telephone conversation with my mum and a chat with my wonderful Doula) had this thought : What if Ada had never judged me for what I could or could not offer her? What if my pursuit of perfection had caused the neglect of my mental health and if so, how would that affect my child?
Maybe it didn’t matter if we were sitting on our doorstep to enjoy the sun, singing songs about pirates whilst watering plants,or sitting on the toilet with her wrapped around my body?
Had she not always met me with excitement, interest and warmth despite the whole covid-19 mess?
It was then when it hit me that my 4 months old baby had given me yet another important lesson and reminded me that:
Wonders were in fact everywhere and in-between all the chaos of the mundane
That it was important and also ok to recharge in order to pour out the love
and that maybe in all the everyday madness and through the eyes of my Child, I was in fact enough!
… as for the pirate songs, why the heck not ay?